fuck you, but please fuck me

up til four
i'll always be your personal whore
if you only feed me more
put down the bed
and pour the wine
i'll choke down my pills
we'll both feel fine
i'm fragile like a porcelain doll
and brutish like a bull
i break myself with every fall
and you with every pull

fighting or fucking
there's no in-between
when you're a needy drama queen

Wednesday

My hands are cold
And my thoughts are snarled
But the sun still shines
On the whole damn world

Mourir un peu, mon amour.

I save myself in stealing souls,

As many as I can sweep up in one fierce night

A bright set of eyes, a lock of silken hair

Wrapped in boxes on my shelf

Neglected but forever loved

Always in their place when it’s done-

Clean your room, my mother said

Dust it well, make your bed

I would rather be a speechless beast

And watch in blank curiosity

The carnival below the hill-

Pulsing, blinding lights

Warped music in the wind-

Staying on the path left by unnamed ancestors

Only doing what they should,

Pacing through time in the unlit woods

But hear me howl,

I bay for blood and lap it from outstretched hands

Never filled and ever thirsty

Begging for another scrap

I will starve to death

Don’t you believe me? 

How I sing when love is in my throat

Stolen from pretty boys and girls

Too pure with souls not yet unfurled

I am better than bad, but not much

Split in two like Solomon’s babe-

Mother, save me from myself

Or I will die on the sword’s judicial edge

Black-and-white, yes no yes no

Oh my god, fuck me slow

I give so little and take it all

But I will never confess to my victims,

For every death is beautiful

In a vast and shattered glory

When it makes that ocean sound

Of constant waves crashing down

Disjointed miracles in my own brain

Lead me to believe we are all shamans

Testing our own limits of belief and understanding

But I want 

         Your drugs

                  Your chants

                            Your spirit

Let me suck the marrow from your bones

And wear your white teeth around my neck

The birds can have your hair for nests-

I will eat the heart

As many as I can cut from chests

Left open to my knife

That sings gentle and low on the whetstone

I love you          I love you

And all my sweethearts feel like the sea-

Wrap me in waves of salt and serpents

Pulsing together and pulled by the moon

To fertility and inevitable decay

Spilling over with blood from the cup

A spectacle of blatant tragedy, 

Whipped to froth and frenzy

A thousand fractured splinters,

And here I thought they glittered

Scattered through the universe

But they are only dead bits cast-off as gifts

Here- take me, I cannot sell myself

To any bidder, for I am priceless

Only worth worshipping piece from piece

A neverending gluttonous feast

Take the poison now and die unspent

Or fight for every taste less soothing,

Ask for more until you fall into your grave

The last bed of the well-rested son

Always up early to greet the morning through the trees-

Sleep, sleep some more with me

Hear that steady roar again?

The thumping of the death drum

That drives us to the cliff-

I live for that flowing blood and wet skin

The sounds of despair in any delight

Knowing that’s one less sweet grape to eat,

An empty skin left at my feet

The ambient sound of extinction

Sleepy-slow as a lullaby

Filling that ache behind my eyes,

Rushing in and out of open lips

Too bitter to speak, too dear to kiss

How many nights have I spent like this?

Visions opened on my own deep fear

Of too many loves and not enough years


-November 24, 2015, 11:30 pm-

Golden Apple

I am so accustomed to forgiveness

Receiving it like an expectant greedy child

That I take offense to your bartering

You put a price on the water of life 

Which I need to cleanse the stains on my heart

The foul marks left of my own wrongdoing

Still I blame you for the symptoms 

The hard chill that sweeps through my soul

Bitter at its own selfish appetite

More hungry with each slight scent of Spring

And new beginnings in any reality

Though I know the stories won't fill me up

But you’re sweet like the first golden apple

That fell to the ground before my weary eyes

Tempting me with the promise of rebirth

Though I knew I must be my own midwife

I let your sweet wisdom take me from my self

And became the reflection of your own light

Now the silver mirror has tarnished

Turned to a blood moon full of ripeness and decay

Waning on the other side of violent deaths

Still you shine brightly as you did that first new dawn

Beckoning my spirit to dance and sing

In spite of the shadows you cast on my face

Here I should end it all

Drive the sword through the heart of every fantasy

And live forever swept with the sea foam

Never to land on any fertile shore

For others have paid more for their guilt

Than only to survive with their unforgiven sins

~12/3/15, 12:06 AM~

October 3, 2014- 11:12 pm. A Poem.

Why do I love you most when you’re asleep?

I find myself, in my sleepless drudgery,

Thinking of you- and us

As we were, happy and glowing

Past our golden years already?

I wonder where your dreams have led you

Into the arms of another reality

Or fighting to regain your hope in this one,

The trench we lay in together

Shooting rounds into the air

Dodging them as they strike down upon us,

Our weary minds wishing for the city on a hill

Before we poisoned our water with neglect

And drove our dreams into the dim hallways of our wandering minds

Ever focused on the march forward

But towards what end? And what rejuvenation?

Sweet sleep should come to me, and open my eyes

To you, waiting to join my fears and hope

On the other side

But you are always absent from my dreams

So I love you most while you dream in secret

Wander Away

August 1st, 2009-

I'm going out on a journey, 
And you're invited along. 
I'm going out on the lonely road, 
And I'm sure it will be long.
I won't be coming back again, 
Not until I've found what I need.
Please, come away with me, 
And I swear that I'll let you lead.
Oh, don't leave me by the path, 
Just hold tight to my hand,
And don't leave me at all alone, 
Until you know I will stand.
I'm going on an adventure, 
And really, I am scared.
I might get lost a few more times, 
But at least I'll be prepared.

I'm going away from here-
From all this hate and grief and pain
And don't expect me back again
Until the last tear has dried.
Then I'll come down the path once more
And you'll be waiting at the door, unless-
I'm going out on a journey, 
And I wish you'd come along.
We could head out for the wild trail, 
To find what makes us strong.

So come with me 
Out into nowhere, 
Out into where we belong.

Editing the Long Ago

Too long have I stood
A shield from the world's eyes,
Protective of your fragile soul-
But you should face all that you despise.
And no longer can I gently try
To help you to believe
When all along your stubborn eyes
Have been pressed against your sleeve.
You're not mine to hold this time,
Though I will miss you, Dear,
And I will look for your bright smile
Throughout the lonely years.
And if my tears reach to your heart
Could you please let me know
That all I've held so close and true
Still might have room to grow?
Yet too long have I known
That you weren't mine to save.
Now I can see that hopeful fools
Work in desperate ways.

Originally composed- 2010.